Twilight 20
by LuckyCharms and Countchocula
Summary: This is our little story we made up. It's just for fun so don't go hating. We had loads of fun working on it! ENJOY! But... do beware our craziness. Only for teens and up... language can get bad :P
1. Chapter 1

**Twilight version 2.0**

**Characters in our story**

The cullens

Edward: Hot pink hair

Emmett: Black & white checkerd hair

Rosalie: Dark green spikey hair. she's a punk. And shes a drug dealer.

Bella: Zebra striped hair

Carlisle: Rainbow mohawk. He's a gangsta

Esme: Yellow hair with black polka-dots. She's a gladiator.

Nessie: Rainbow hair. Shes a creeper kid.

Alice: Purple hair. She steals

Jasper: Lime green hair with a silver gerhuahua pic. He's emo. (gerhuahua: German shepherd/chihuahua mix)

The Pack (color of their hair when they're a wolf)

Sam: Albino. white with red eyes

Jake: Black with red & orange flames

Jared: Orange with pink polka-dots

Brady: Rainbow flowers. He's a hippie and he sells exoctic drinks on the side of the road where roaslie sells drugs.

Collin: zebra striped

Quil: Baby blue with pink hearts

Embry: he's a purple unicorn not a werewolf

Seth: Perwinkle with light blue plaid

Paul: Purple

Leah: A chicken. She is a werewolf with a red thing taped on her head and neck and she wears red rubber boots.

The other freaks

Laurent: Blonde spiky hair

Victoria: Bald

James: Light pink hair. He's a ballerina. He is ALWAYS wearing a tutu and a coconut bra

**Now that we know our characters continue to read the story**


	2. Chapter 2

**Beware!!!**

**language is a little bad just warning ya  
**

**Twilight 2.0**

One day at the humble Cullen family home jasper was sitting in the corner on the living room floor minding his own buisness , cutting himself. He hasn't moved from that corner since hes become emo over a month ago. We think he has rabies. When all of a sudden emmett and edward came bursting through the door, at the same time edward was yelling at emmett telling him " I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE" then edward slapped him. Emmett licked edwards arm. and said " but I already bought my wedding dress." and that changed edwards mind. Jasper was yelling to carlisle saying " my brothers are gay". And at the same time he was thinking 'I see gay people' . Edward heard that and said " we're not gay we are momentarily confused!" at that moment carlisle came through the door way from the kitchen to the living room wearing his gangsta outfit and started singing ' somewhere over the rainbow' in an opera voice. And jasper looked at carlisle and told him " would you quit singing and stop them already?"

"no, man this is even better then the stuff I downloaded on the computer last night while esme was hunting. Gas rates and prices just arent as good as this."

thats when jasper pleaded " oh gosh please help these poor unfortunate souls but dont worry about me im perfectly fine here in my corner cutting my self... just help them"

nobody realized renesmee was there until she walked out of the room muttering something like " I should have tried that ".

she got onto the computer and hacked bellas and edwards msn account and invited jake over for a sleepover .

When jake got there his jaw hit the floor and he just stared because emmett was in his boxers and a t-shirt.

As soon as jake got himself together enough to talk he asked " what happened to you? Then renesmee came through the kitchen doorway and leaped into him arms the way she did when she wanted to tell him something without talking. And put her hand on his cheek. The memory showed him the whole scene and when she pulled her hand away she said " daddy happened" jake just laughed and looked at bella. As if she should have something to say. And she did say something to say she stepped up and asked " how long has this been going on?"

when edward answered her he was smiling and said "I'm being controlled by the witch twins and and it started happening at my bachelor party and thats why jasper is emo."

" well is there a way we can stop it and turn jasper back to normal again?" esme asked.

Jasper spoke up in an uneven voice and said "the only way to change it back is to go and find james and watch him do his ballerina dance in a tootoo and a coconut bra."

" but daddy I thought you killed james ?" renesmee asked.

"Apparently not, chicky" said edward

"ohh, well mommy in going to go out side with jakey now." Renesmee demanded.

"Uhh,yea okay." was the genius response bella came up with.

When jake and renesmee went outside james and victoria were fighting about something

" but hes a chicken!" cried james

" actually hes a she" said victoria

" fine then if you can date leah, Im hooking up with jasper" said james

and jasper started hyperventilating and he had a look in his eyes that looked like a deer in head lights. Why does aro hate me? Jasper thought

"but thats not fair" victoria screeched

"well then deal with it … I have to go do my ballerina dance now... HAS ANDYBODY SEEN MY COCONUT BRA" yelled james

renesmee showed up then and told him " uncle emmett is wearing it he said hes putting on a show for dadda"

all this time alice was at the dollar store hannuka shopping and had a vision of jasper being attacked by a radioactive monkey. So she stole a crowbar and ran as fast as she could towards the woods where jasper was in the tree eating the monkey that bit him. When she showed up carlisle got there at the same time and started singin " its not rape if your willing" and alice starts beating the monkey with a crowbar that she stole from the dollar store. Out of nowhere a unicorn walks around the corner. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. Alice dropped her crowbar and it landed on a chicken's head. Leah the chicken's head.

"OMG!! Leah are you ok!?" asked victoria

" Hey Leah want to go out with some friends now? Oh cool a unicorn!!" said renesmee

"Oh hey Embry" jake said

"And people thought I was messed up" Said Seth

Bella came out of the house and saw Seth and Embry.

"How did you get here ?" Bella asked

" I was riding the magical unicorn" Seth answered

"And I was the unicorn!" Said Embry

"And I was a chicken!" Leah said

Jasper jumped down from the tree and was about to bite Leah the chicken.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Victoria screamed

"what????" Jasper asked

"thats leah my girlfriend!" Victoria said and yanked leah from Jasper almost taking his arm off.

James yelled "Don't hurt my man!"

That made Alice mad. She grabbed the crowbar and threw it at James, aiming for his head. It would have hit him to if he hadn't duck. It hit Emmett and broke james coconut bra.

Then jasper said "im not gay like you "

and james started to cry.

" Who can be my man then" He said

At that moment Jared comes around the corner. Bad timing.

"Oh! Honey you're home!!" James said when he saw Jared.

Jared froze and said "huh????"

Carlisle starting singing "say my name" by destiny's child. That really creeped Jared out so he made a run for it .

"You can run but you can't hide!" James called and chased after his "new man".

"awkward" Jacob said, breaking the silence.

Everyone went into the house after that. Except...

Renesmee and Jake. Leaving them, alone. The monkey in the tree started playing sexy back. And nessie started poledancing with a tree.

Carlisle walked out and the music came to a sudden stop.

"Yeah!! The party's started!!" He cheered.

"Carlisle!! She's your grand daughter!!" Jacob screamed

"And she's your girlfriend!!"

"Shes not even 1!!!"

"Your point??"

Jacob just stood there, totally confused. Staring at carlisle.

"Normal guys-unlike my sons-would be staring at her"

"And normal grandfathers would be totally ticked off" jacob said angrily.

"You know, you're missing out on a very good opportunity." Carlisle said

" I am shocked you would think that!" jacob growled

"I dont think that, you do..or at least you should"

Nessie was upset she wasn't getting any attention.

"hello, I'm waiting!" She said

"Just a minute nessie!! We're talking!!" Said Carlisle and Jacob say at the same time.

And Jake called out "Pepsi Jinx!!"

"Only if......................." Carlisle said and nodded toward Nessie.

"Aww not worth it!! I'll go see Brady!! I need some beetle pee and tree bark juice!!"

Nessie started to whimper and did her puppy dog face.

But who should burst in but ( I know theres a lot of people bursting in but I dont care) quil jumped out of a plane on his way home from san francisky and landed on carlisles head ending the song he was singing " my life would suck without you" when he saw nessie hanging upside down on the tree he attacked her screaming "OH NO a vampire bat...!!!"

nessie and quil were on the ground when nesie threw him off saying " you stupid mutt im a vanuman and im not a vampire bat!!"

then she looked a jake and said

" he doesnt get out much does he?"

" no he doesnt...we should take him out now.. we should go to laurents bar"replied jake

" you mean laurents gay bar?... I thought you were dating nessie?" asked quil.

" yeah I am dating nessie but I told edward id meet him there with emmett"

"ohh" said 3 people at the same time.

" okay lets go then" said jake

on the way to the gay bar they saw something on the side of the road so they pulled over and heard rose and brady bickering on the sidewalk. Brady was going on and on and on lecturing rosalie about how drugs are bad for you until rose told him he could, have some of the ones she was selling and he said yes. So they kept on driving to the gay bar.

When they got there edward and emmett were pole dancing and renesmee joined in when she walked in the bar.

*1 hour later*

"hit me again laurent" quil and nessie said together.

" Nessie I'm cutting you off, you already had to much tonight." said Laurent

Nessie stomped away, wobbling from side to side, and went up to edward. He was still pole dancing with emmett.

"Dad, can I have a dog?" Renesmee asked

"Uh.............sure" replied edward. He went outside of the bar where Jake was smoking crack. Edward put him on a leash and took him inside to nessie.

" but daddy hes my boyfriend" Renesmee said

"oh no you didnt"edward said doing the diva thing.

Meanwhile

"Dang, thats some good beer"Quil said, obviously drunk

"Its not just beer"Said Laurent

"what?" asked claire

"Heyy, where'd you come from?"Quil asked

"The roof" Claire said

"Sweet, I wanna go up there" Quil said

"No you're drunk"

"nah im soberly tober"

*10 minutes later*

"Look!! Im a vampire bat!!!" Quil said as he jumped off the roof" I can fly!!"

At that moment Bella came around the corner looking for nessie and her gay husband. Quil landed on her.

"Aww bella you ruined my near death experience" Quil said

"Quil are you drunk?" Bella asked, helping him up.

"Get your hands off me woman!!" Quil cried and then passed out.

Bella left Quil lying there and went inside the gay bar.

When she saw Edward pole dancing with emmett she said" Oh my GOSH!!"

Laurent walked over and said"Aww the party pooper is here"

"I am so not a party pooper"Bella said

"Who are you kidding bella?" Emmett asked with british accent.

"Are you drunk Emmett?" Bella asked

"Look around!!! Everyone is!!" Emmett said gesturing around the room.

"Edward wheres nessie??" Bella ignored emmett.

"With her new pet dog" Edward answerd

"YOU BOUGHT HER A DOG!?"

"No, I just found some crackhead on the street"

"And who would that be?"

"Jacob"

Meanwhile in a little place called a closet....Jake was tied to a chair and had duck tape over his mouth.

"Aaahhh" Jake let out a girly scream as Nessie closed in on him.

Nessie took the duck tape off his mouth and said "what??"

"aahhh!!" Jake screamed again "You're drunk nessie you have no idea what you're doing"

"And you're high" Nessie said.

All of a sudden Carlisle started banging on the closet door screaming "its not rape if your willing!!!!" And he started singing "Bump and grind" By R Kelly.

"Carlisle HELP!!!" Jake screamed

"I cant, even if I wanted to. She locked the door!"

"Do you want me to put the tape over your big mouth again!?" asked nessie.

" OHHH HELL NO" Jake said

" WELL THEN SHUT UP"

Bella came over and yelled at Renesmee " Nessie get your fat carcass out here!!"

Nessie untied Jake and screamed at him before she walked out. "EEWW dog get off of me!!!"

jake stood in the closet totally confused for a minute then said " its not what it looks like"

" famous last words" answered bella

" but she was raping me"

"said a werewolf in the closet with a baby" said jasper

"Where the Hell did you come from???" Jake asked very upset

"I was riding a magical prancing pony" Answered Jasper

"You mean a unicorn?" jake asked

"yeah him"

"ANYWAYS HELLO!! My baby was raped!!!" Bella said

"Aww come on bella we knew it was going to happen one day" Jasper said

"really?"

"Yeah the unicorn told me"

" how the hell did the unicorn talk to you …."

" embry is a unicorn" answered jasper

Nessie came over and confessed "Its true I raped him"

"Where did you get an idea like this??" Bella asked

"Leah"

Everyone just stared, and nessie spoke up.

"You do NOT want to read my diary, its worse"

"I read it, you have a very creative imagination nessie" Jasper said

"GRRRRR" said nessie

" I sense your anger" jasper replied

" my force may be with you shortly... but your on hold right now.."" he added

"YO!!!! My peoplezzzz how are y'all!? Woah.......nessie were you raped by a werewolf? Seth asked when he barged through the door

" I wasn't raped!! I was drunk and my pet dog attacked me!!" nessie yelled.

And instead of attacking Jasper, nessie lunged at innocent seth.

"HA!! HA!! You aren't venomous!!" Seth laughed at Nessie

Then Nessie was off hold, and she started kissing seth.

"Oops wrong emotion!!" Jasper said

"You disgust me." Jake told jasper

jasper said " oh yea well then yer despicable"

"ok nessie you had enough fun for one night. We're goin home. NOW." Bella said and yanked nessie away.

"NOOO!! I wanna eat seth like a piece of dove chcolate!!" cried nessie

"Get ur dirty little hands outta my cookie jar ya grubby little wanker!! I dont wanna share my peanut butter crunch" Said seth

**THIS IS STILL NOT FINISHED**


End file.
